Skillet-Licker Slim and the Fairness Doctrine

As a self-confessed social liberal with fiscally semi-conservative leanings, I have little use for right-wing talk radio. I consider Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity, Glenn Beck, Laura Ingram and their insidious oozsome colleagues as little more than irrelevant, self-important, bleating blowhards whose rantings aren't worth the carbon dioxide they spew into their studio space.

Now, of course, were they all to perish in the same plane crash, I would mourn, but it would be for the other passengers who had to spend their last precious moments of their existence in the presence of these morons. I'd show up at their funerals with wooden stakes and Glocks loaded with silver bullets in case I needed to finish the job. They should have been drowned at birth. Am I making myself clear here? Good.

But while these nattering nabobs of neoreactionism spew their bile, along come the good old Democrats trying to reinstate the so-called “Fairness Doctrine.” You remember that, where media outlets which press a particular political philosophy are required to give the opposing viewpoint equal time. This was wisely ruled as unconstitutional, and now the liberals – but not this one – are trying to bring it back.

Balderdash, I say, though I have no idea what a balder is or what it supposedly dashes. It's kind of like the word whippersnappers. I was once called a whippersnapper, and I have never snapped a whipper in my life. OK, getting off message here...

Other than the fact that trying to reenact the Fairness Doctrine makes the Left look like a bunch of pussies who want the government to fight their battles for them – imagine that – the very idea that such a thing can be enforced smacks of totalitarianism. Where does it stop? Right-wing radio? Cable news? Newspapers? How much farther down the chain does it go?

Talk about your slippery slopes, here's an example. KROK-AM is a small radio station somewhere in Smalltown, USA, and serves a mostly small-town rural market. Skillet-Licker Slim, the Farmer's Friend and KROK morning man, is hosting the daily “KROK Swap Shop”, where local folks can advertise their old and/or unwanted items. Let's listen in:

SKILLET-LICKER SLIM: “Hidy folks, and welcome to the KROK Swap Shop! Let's get right to our first caller, Millicent over in Hog Fork. Lovely place, Hog Fork, been there many times frog-giggin'. What you got, Millicent?”

MILLICENT FROM HOG FORK: “Hidy Slim, I got me a crib I want to sell. It's done good fer me, 16 kids and it's only collapsed 3 or 4 times. I'm askin' five bucks fer it, but I'll settle fer three if'n it's a good fambly...”

SKILLET-LICKER SLIM: “Awright, a crib for five clams, sounds like a good deal to me. However, Millicent, in keeping with the guidelines of the Fairness Doctrine, here's Herb Culver of Culver's Quality Used Furniture with an opposing viewpoint. Herb?”

HERB: “Well, now, nothing against Millicent, but do you folks out there really wanna lay down yer newborn bundle o'joy in a crib that's had 16 previous occupants? You can come on down to Culver's and I can put you in a quality crib that's only nestled 1 or 2 babes and still has most of the original parts and ain't held together by duct tape and deck screws – no offense, Millicent – and only for fifteen ninety-five. I realize that's a bit more than Millicent's askin', but don't yore flesh an' blood deserve the best? We got it here at Culver's!”

SKILLET-LICKER SLIM: “OK, there you go folks, let the people decide! Next we got us Otis from Whiteburg. They still got that great Friday Fish Fry at Gus and Leah's there in Whiteburg, Otis?”

OTIS: “Naw, it's a whorehouse now.”

SKILLET-LICKER SLIM: “Damn shame. I tell ya folks, that was some GREAT fish. Good slaw, too. Whattya got for us, Otis?”

OTIS: “Got me some shoe-mendin' tools, Slim. Everthin' fer any would-be hobby cobblers out there, got leather awls, needles, thread, glue, what have you. Ma boy's decided cobblin' ain't fer him, wants to be one o' them mixed-martial arts fighters. Ten bucks fer the whole kaboodle, an' I don't mind tellin' ya, I'm takin' a beatin' here.”

SKILLET-LICKER SLIM: “Well, that sure sounds like a great deal to me, Otis, but in keepin' with our Fairness Doctrine policy, let's hear from Earlene down at the Chinese Prison Labor Running Shoe Outlet. Earlene?”

EARLENE: “Slim, we got in a shipment o' cross-trainers from the work farm in Chintuk and we be sellin' them TWO PAIR for ten bucks! Guaranteed to last until you get 'em home, providin' o' course you don't wear 'em 'til you get there. Sorry, Otis! Capitalism, baby!”

OTIS: “Your voice sounds familiar. You ever work in a whorehouse?”

SKILLET-LICKER SLIM: “Afraid that's all the time we got folks! Thanks to the Fairness Doctrine, we cain't sell near as much stuff as we used to. Take Ol' Skillet-Licker Slim's advice: Wanna sell somethin', have a yard sale! We'll be back after these messages...and their rebuttals.”

Obama's Growing Pains

They're already saying the honeymoon is over.

In this age of instant gratification - High-speed internet, digital cameras, 24-hour news channels, life-like inflatable dolls that can...well, you know – the snail's crawl of creating public policy is no longer palatable to your garden variety politophile. It's action now, results now, and the era of the 100-day presidential honeymoon has gone the way of rabbit ears and responsible journalism.

When George W. Bush first took national office, the internet was still in, if not its infancy, at least a still occasionally clumsy adolescence. Bush staggered semi-competently through the first months of his administration, until the events of September 11 galvanized the nation into unity of support behind him. Though in the end, he would betray it by shredding the constitution and decimate the national defense by embroiling it in a costly and unnecessary war...which all of America expected to end...instantly.

So it began...

It is less than a month since Barack Obama took the oath and already the disparagers are out in force.. Where's the change, where's the savior of the economy, where's the unity? Change now! Results now!

And President Obama has no one to blame but himself.

It is not a question of philosophy or policy. On that, at least in my humble opinion (IMHO for you texties), Obama is sound. Rather, the problem is not madness, but method.

His biggest misstep was in allowing Nancy Pelosi to hijack his economic stimulus and turn into the biggest platter of pork this side of Willie's Rib Shack. Pelosi's ignorance could be forgiven if it wasn't accompanied by arrogance. She is a sort of a Bizzaro World Newt Gingrich, and her continuous baiting of her across-the-aisle brethren (and sistren) has done more damage to the early days of Obama's presidency then he either doesn't know or won't admit.

For all of his incompetency – and believe me, there's a lot of it – Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid at least appears to get it. His coalition of moderate Democrats and Republicans in drafting a compromise stimulus bill is proof that even a blind squirrel can occasionally find a nut. In this particular instance, it would behoove President Obama to follow his lead.

Rubbing the GOP's face into their disastrous showing in the last election is not going to bring them over to the progressive side. Republicans are not so much dangerous as a cornered rat, they are more the defiant mouse flipping the bird to the eagle just before it devours him. The eagle will still feed, but the prey will be sour in his stomach.

Anybody got an instant relief for indigestion? Come on! Results now!

Happy honeymoon, Mr. President.