Skillet-Licker Slim and the Fairness Doctrine

As a self-confessed social liberal with fiscally semi-conservative leanings, I have little use for right-wing talk radio. I consider Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity, Glenn Beck, Laura Ingram and their insidious oozsome colleagues as little more than irrelevant, self-important, bleating blowhards whose rantings aren't worth the carbon dioxide they spew into their studio space.

Now, of course, were they all to perish in the same plane crash, I would mourn, but it would be for the other passengers who had to spend their last precious moments of their existence in the presence of these morons. I'd show up at their funerals with wooden stakes and Glocks loaded with silver bullets in case I needed to finish the job. They should have been drowned at birth. Am I making myself clear here? Good.

But while these nattering nabobs of neoreactionism spew their bile, along come the good old Democrats trying to reinstate the so-called “Fairness Doctrine.” You remember that, where media outlets which press a particular political philosophy are required to give the opposing viewpoint equal time. This was wisely ruled as unconstitutional, and now the liberals – but not this one – are trying to bring it back.

Balderdash, I say, though I have no idea what a balder is or what it supposedly dashes. It's kind of like the word whippersnappers. I was once called a whippersnapper, and I have never snapped a whipper in my life. OK, getting off message here...

Other than the fact that trying to reenact the Fairness Doctrine makes the Left look like a bunch of pussies who want the government to fight their battles for them – imagine that – the very idea that such a thing can be enforced smacks of totalitarianism. Where does it stop? Right-wing radio? Cable news? Newspapers? How much farther down the chain does it go?

Talk about your slippery slopes, here's an example. KROK-AM is a small radio station somewhere in Smalltown, USA, and serves a mostly small-town rural market. Skillet-Licker Slim, the Farmer's Friend and KROK morning man, is hosting the daily “KROK Swap Shop”, where local folks can advertise their old and/or unwanted items. Let's listen in:

SKILLET-LICKER SLIM: “Hidy folks, and welcome to the KROK Swap Shop! Let's get right to our first caller, Millicent over in Hog Fork. Lovely place, Hog Fork, been there many times frog-giggin'. What you got, Millicent?”

MILLICENT FROM HOG FORK: “Hidy Slim, I got me a crib I want to sell. It's done good fer me, 16 kids and it's only collapsed 3 or 4 times. I'm askin' five bucks fer it, but I'll settle fer three if'n it's a good fambly...”

SKILLET-LICKER SLIM: “Awright, a crib for five clams, sounds like a good deal to me. However, Millicent, in keeping with the guidelines of the Fairness Doctrine, here's Herb Culver of Culver's Quality Used Furniture with an opposing viewpoint. Herb?”

HERB: “Well, now, nothing against Millicent, but do you folks out there really wanna lay down yer newborn bundle o'joy in a crib that's had 16 previous occupants? You can come on down to Culver's and I can put you in a quality crib that's only nestled 1 or 2 babes and still has most of the original parts and ain't held together by duct tape and deck screws – no offense, Millicent – and only for fifteen ninety-five. I realize that's a bit more than Millicent's askin', but don't yore flesh an' blood deserve the best? We got it here at Culver's!”

SKILLET-LICKER SLIM: “OK, there you go folks, let the people decide! Next we got us Otis from Whiteburg. They still got that great Friday Fish Fry at Gus and Leah's there in Whiteburg, Otis?”

OTIS: “Naw, it's a whorehouse now.”

SKILLET-LICKER SLIM: “Damn shame. I tell ya folks, that was some GREAT fish. Good slaw, too. Whattya got for us, Otis?”

OTIS: “Got me some shoe-mendin' tools, Slim. Everthin' fer any would-be hobby cobblers out there, got leather awls, needles, thread, glue, what have you. Ma boy's decided cobblin' ain't fer him, wants to be one o' them mixed-martial arts fighters. Ten bucks fer the whole kaboodle, an' I don't mind tellin' ya, I'm takin' a beatin' here.”

SKILLET-LICKER SLIM: “Well, that sure sounds like a great deal to me, Otis, but in keepin' with our Fairness Doctrine policy, let's hear from Earlene down at the Chinese Prison Labor Running Shoe Outlet. Earlene?”

EARLENE: “Slim, we got in a shipment o' cross-trainers from the work farm in Chintuk and we be sellin' them TWO PAIR for ten bucks! Guaranteed to last until you get 'em home, providin' o' course you don't wear 'em 'til you get there. Sorry, Otis! Capitalism, baby!”

OTIS: “Your voice sounds familiar. You ever work in a whorehouse?”

SKILLET-LICKER SLIM: “Afraid that's all the time we got folks! Thanks to the Fairness Doctrine, we cain't sell near as much stuff as we used to. Take Ol' Skillet-Licker Slim's advice: Wanna sell somethin', have a yard sale! We'll be back after these messages...and their rebuttals.”